Caring Aloud – Eleanor’s story
Published: 20 Sep 2024
In the next of our Caring Aloud series we hear from Eleanor*, who shares the experience of caring for her friend with a mental illness and describes it as ‘my toughest challenge and greatest honour’.
My experience of caring was for a close friend who was hospitalised whilst she battled a mental illness. Her illness caused her to be cut off from her usual support network, however, I was fortunate enough to be a friend she allowed into her mental health journey. Whilst the hospital was managing her treatment, I felt my role was to give her plenty of emotional support and remind her who she was beyond the illness.
“I didn’t realise I was a carer”
At first, it never crossed my mind that I was a carer. I was simply being a friend for her in a time of need. In hindsight, I was probably naïve about the extent of her illness. It’s not as definitive as diagnosing a broken leg. It took a while to diagnose what my friend was experiencing and then the treatment process itself wasn’t linear. In fact, initially I thought she’d only need to be in hospital for a few weeks. To me, it was understandable to be there during this intense time of need. Then weeks turned to months, and months turned to a year.
There was never a conversation with her family, the hospital, or my support network, about my role evolving from being a friend to being a carer. But to be honest, I’m happy it was that way. Calling myself ‘a carer’ sounds more official and clinical than it needed to be. She had enough carers around her at the hospital, I’m just glad she felt I was there as her a friend. I think it would have felt an even bigger burden if I started to be referred to as a carer. It was important she knew I was there voluntarily because I loved her. After just over a year in hospital, my friend sadly passed away. It was then I realised our relationship was more than friendship, she had been someone I was caring for.
“I was fortunate I could work around caring”
Whilst I was a carer, I was working as a part-time freelancer, to help me balance work and raising my young family. To be available to support my friend, I initially stopped working altogether; naively thinking she’d be well enough to return home in a month or so. I was open with clients that I was supporting a friend and either paused work or extended deadlines. Fortunately for me, all the clients I was working with were really understanding and it made it easy for me to be open about the situation. I can only imagine the added pressure if that was not the case or if I felt unable to talk about the intensity I was facing in my private life.
After a few months, the frequency of my visits reduced but I chose to remain off work for a while longer. By this point, my own mental health had taken a toll, and I knew the importance of taking the time to look after myself too, so I made a point to prioritise that.
After six months of not working, I started to phase myself back, taking on one project at a time and ensuring I had long, flexible deadlines. I found by taking this slow, staggered approach I was able to focus on my work on my working days, knowing I’d have quality time with my friend coming up. I appreciate the privileged position I was in, to stop working for an extended period of time. I’m so grateful I took that time off, because it became a crucial factor in managing my own mental health and also, it gave me more time and more memories with my friend.
“Workplaces can really help carers cope”
Amongst other things, the experience has shown me just how important compassionate workplaces are. For those caring for loved ones, paid time off is a must. I dread to think what would have happened if I wasn’t able to slow down work for that period. Also, a bereavement leave policy is really important. In my situation, my friend passed away the day before I was due to start a new job. Thankfully my new employer was really supportive; in contrast to when I was a carer, I actually found working was a helpful distraction and support as I worked through my grief. Working flexibly was really helpful to give me time for making funeral arrangements and having late starts on tough days. There’s so much that can be done to support people at work, like free access to counselling or creating safe spaces to share experiences, but I also hope that one day, they’ll be more support for self-employed carers who do not have a line manager or HR to support them through these challenging life events.
Despite the hardship, I want to stress what an honour it was to care for my friend. I will always wish we had more time, yet I will always be grateful that I could be there to support her. Employers have a such a huge opportunity to support their people in the most meaningful way by giving us more time with our loved ones.
*Names have been changed to protect identities.
Carer’s Leave
From 6 April 2024, employees in Great Britain will be able to take unpaid time off work to care for a dependant. This note explains the key things you need to know about carer’s leave and answers some of the questions you may have.