Caring Aloud – Andrew & Joanne

Published: 23 Jul 2024

In the next in the Caring Aloud series, we hear from Andrew, one of our Parent and Carer Advisory Panel members. He talked to us about the struggles he has faced in finding employment that fits around caring, and how his experiences have mobilised him into action to make positive change for carers. 

I care for my partner Joanne who has rheumatoid arthritis. Although I saw myself as her carer I initially found it hard to speak up about it because I know it makes her sad. She wants to be her own independent person, so there are some tough days because she recognises she needs care. Being a carer to your partner brings its own challenges and stress as you’re constantly trying to balance your relationship. 

Caring can be stressful, lonely, and pressured. We have a family of seven children and unfortunately their mum’s health can be unpredictable. Some days she’s off her feet, some days she’s living her best life, no two days are the same. When Joanne is feeling good and okay to parent the kids, I still have a sense of guilt when I take time away. I feel I should always be there and present. It’s hard to switch off being a carer, even when it’s okay to take a break. 

We don’t have much support from nearby family and friends, and there hasn’t been much support beyond this. Overall, it’s been a learn as I go experience. Being a dad and carer, it’s probably what I’m best at nowadays. Carers, like many other health professionals, are simply undervalued in society and the lack of financial and political support proves that point. Up until now, the government couldn’t be more out of touch with what’s happening for carers in real life. We’ll have to see what happens with a new government.  

My career took a massive pivot three years ago. I used to earn around £35k salary which I stepped away from to be a carer. I am now entitled to Universal Credit and Carers Allowance which adds up to around £450 a month, but I don’t claim Carers Allowance as it would impact Joanne receiving her disability benefit. It’s a flawed system. I believe carers should receive a monthly salary, so they can reduce their work or move away from work to care for their loved ones. I’m caring for my loved one and parenting children whilst stressing over money. I’m not a jobseeker, I’m a person in need of support to care for my family. My thoughts are I’ve paid my taxes for the last 17 years so when I need the support now, to assist a loved one with a health condition, I should be supported for the duration I’m a carer.  

The lack of support from employers has been a shock. My previous employers didn’t support me and very often I’ve been lost out at the interview stage because of the “baggage” that I have in life. I’ve been let go from employment when I asked for flexible working to care for my partner. I think, as a man asking for flexible working to look after his partner I was going against society’s norms. I had to start my own business to earn an income so with raising seven children and caring for Joanne, this is my life.  

When I think about the future, I plan to find a career path that can respectfully challenge government, employers and others so I can put my lived experiences to good use. I also want to break the stigma around men being caregivers and make it more acceptable in society to step away from work to support loved ones without being penalised. I live in Northern Ireland, the only part of the UK that didn’t welcome the new flexible working legislation. It feels I am living somewhere that has their head buried in the sand, so I want to make a positive change for everyone who has caring responsibilities.  

Caring has changed me for the better, but it’s taken every inch of energy from me and whilst I’m showing up each day as if things are alright, truthfully I’m exhausted. But my experiences have energised me to drive positive change and help others in some way, shape or form. There’s just too many conversations and not enough practical support being implemented fast enough. Carers are human beings and we are wrecking our own physical and mental health to try and care for our loved ones. I speak from the heart on this matter because alongside Joanne, I’ve been to hell and back to get out of survival mode, that’s where we are.